This One Is For You, Sam

I haven't been really keeping up with this blog like I had originally planned to. Unexpected things always seem to be happening, but then again, that's why they aren't expected in the first place. On May first, a kid from my church decided he couldn't take it anymore, and took his life. He was only twenty years old.

His funeral was this past Saturday. It was actually a celebration of his life held at my church. It was a first for me; being at a funeral service with an open casket, and knowing a young guy who committed suicide. I didn't know him very well, but we had hung out at youth group more than a few times. He was a great guy, and it was one of the most crushing things I have heard. He had struggled with depression, epilepsy, and schitzophrenia. They didn't define him though, and he won't be remembered by his battles. Sam will be remembered by his artistic abilities, humor, kindness, and strength.

The celebration was simply beautiful. It was heartbreaking, but inspiring at the same time. His family has such strength and courage. His mother, father, and girlfriend got up to speak, and they didn't cry at all. They even laughed a bit at past memories of Sam. I have never been so encouraged to go out and help people in need before in my life. Sam spoke of his problems, but not in great detail. He was the kind of guy who would hide his true pain from the world, and just go and keep helping others with their problems.

I have had my own struggles with depression, agoraphobia, trichotillomania, panic attacks...The list could go on. I've always wanted to help people who have also been through hard times, and this has just given me more inspiration to do so. His mother was speaking about how so many doctors and therapists would see Sam, but no one really helped him. From experience I can tell you that all my psychologist has done is provide me with medication. The people who have truly helped me come from my church. I love them, and my church. God and my church body has helped me more than any of the doctors or counselors I have seen. That is where your true help can be found. Even Sam knew that. He would go away from the church, but he always came back. I know for a fact that Sam is up there in heaven now. His pain and the torture his heart and body went through on earth is gone. He is finally at peace.

I want to use my experiences and be that one person that helps the kid who thinks help is not there. If I can show even just one person that there is a reason for their struggles, and that they can live their life, my pain would have been for something. Like I said, Sam's story has just encouraged me even more in my goal of helping people.

My thoughts are kind of all jumbled up, so my writing probably seems jumbled as well. Sorry about that. Anyways on a happier note, my prom is in eleven days! I have almost everything I need, but I'm a procrastinator so you'll spot me at some store eleven o'clock the night before...Ha. I do have the most important thing, my dress! Although, everyone else already bought theirs months ago. It is in fact purple and magnificent! :P Hehe I hope that when I walk into the building people will stop and stare. Well, dream of it actually. I doubt that would acrtually happen haha. If only life had moments like movies...That would be a defintie movie moment right there. Let me just set the scene for you here.

The daylight is fading, but still shines through the windows. Everyone is standing around talking; the girls giggling over hair and complimenting on dresses; the guys making comments about who looks the best, and how uncomfortable tuxes can be. Then BAM. The doors open and I walk in. Talking stops and all eyes turn to me. One of those pairs of eyes happens to be the guy who is running away from me and his feelings. I look around all shy like, and straighten out my dress. Talking resumes, and a hoard of people come my way, asking me how I am doing and telling me how great I look. When they leave I head to find my friends, and that guy comes up to me and compliments me.

Hahaha. In my movie, he would then proceed to apologize for acting like a total jerk and ignoring me afte rhe told me he wanted to be friends! X) Seriously, you don't tell someone you want to be friends and then ignore them when they try to be friendly...I'm not the kind of person who will stalk you or yell at you for not texting back. I also won't bombard you with calls or texts either. I texted him once this week and once last week, and it was only 'hey'. Gah! Boys! *sigh*

I am extremely tired so I hope this is even understandable. Whenever I am tired and write things, I think they sound good, but then I read them the next day and they don't even make sense. I think I'm kind of rambling now, so goodnight bloggers.

See you in heaven some day, Sam.