This One Is For You, Sam

I haven't been really keeping up with this blog like I had originally planned to. Unexpected things always seem to be happening, but then again, that's why they aren't expected in the first place. On May first, a kid from my church decided he couldn't take it anymore, and took his life. He was only twenty years old.

His funeral was this past Saturday. It was actually a celebration of his life held at my church. It was a first for me; being at a funeral service with an open casket, and knowing a young guy who committed suicide. I didn't know him very well, but we had hung out at youth group more than a few times. He was a great guy, and it was one of the most crushing things I have heard. He had struggled with depression, epilepsy, and schitzophrenia. They didn't define him though, and he won't be remembered by his battles. Sam will be remembered by his artistic abilities, humor, kindness, and strength.

The celebration was simply beautiful. It was heartbreaking, but inspiring at the same time. His family has such strength and courage. His mother, father, and girlfriend got up to speak, and they didn't cry at all. They even laughed a bit at past memories of Sam. I have never been so encouraged to go out and help people in need before in my life. Sam spoke of his problems, but not in great detail. He was the kind of guy who would hide his true pain from the world, and just go and keep helping others with their problems.

I have had my own struggles with depression, agoraphobia, trichotillomania, panic attacks...The list could go on. I've always wanted to help people who have also been through hard times, and this has just given me more inspiration to do so. His mother was speaking about how so many doctors and therapists would see Sam, but no one really helped him. From experience I can tell you that all my psychologist has done is provide me with medication. The people who have truly helped me come from my church. I love them, and my church. God and my church body has helped me more than any of the doctors or counselors I have seen. That is where your true help can be found. Even Sam knew that. He would go away from the church, but he always came back. I know for a fact that Sam is up there in heaven now. His pain and the torture his heart and body went through on earth is gone. He is finally at peace.

I want to use my experiences and be that one person that helps the kid who thinks help is not there. If I can show even just one person that there is a reason for their struggles, and that they can live their life, my pain would have been for something. Like I said, Sam's story has just encouraged me even more in my goal of helping people.

My thoughts are kind of all jumbled up, so my writing probably seems jumbled as well. Sorry about that. Anyways on a happier note, my prom is in eleven days! I have almost everything I need, but I'm a procrastinator so you'll spot me at some store eleven o'clock the night before...Ha. I do have the most important thing, my dress! Although, everyone else already bought theirs months ago. It is in fact purple and magnificent! :P Hehe I hope that when I walk into the building people will stop and stare. Well, dream of it actually. I doubt that would acrtually happen haha. If only life had moments like movies...That would be a defintie movie moment right there. Let me just set the scene for you here.

The daylight is fading, but still shines through the windows. Everyone is standing around talking; the girls giggling over hair and complimenting on dresses; the guys making comments about who looks the best, and how uncomfortable tuxes can be. Then BAM. The doors open and I walk in. Talking stops and all eyes turn to me. One of those pairs of eyes happens to be the guy who is running away from me and his feelings. I look around all shy like, and straighten out my dress. Talking resumes, and a hoard of people come my way, asking me how I am doing and telling me how great I look. When they leave I head to find my friends, and that guy comes up to me and compliments me.

Hahaha. In my movie, he would then proceed to apologize for acting like a total jerk and ignoring me afte rhe told me he wanted to be friends! X) Seriously, you don't tell someone you want to be friends and then ignore them when they try to be friendly...I'm not the kind of person who will stalk you or yell at you for not texting back. I also won't bombard you with calls or texts either. I texted him once this week and once last week, and it was only 'hey'. Gah! Boys! *sigh*

I am extremely tired so I hope this is even understandable. Whenever I am tired and write things, I think they sound good, but then I read them the next day and they don't even make sense. I think I'm kind of rambling now, so goodnight bloggers.

See you in heaven some day, Sam.

Prom Dresses and Silly Guesses

Prom is in 24 days. Woohoo! I didn't get to go to my junior prom so I'm wicked pumped to go for my senior year. I am planning on going today to get a dress (since it is 1:00 already). There is a chance that this will be a stressful day, but I'm praying it will be more fun. I have my heart set on a purple dress, floor length of course. I hate short prom dresses...Floor length is definitely more classy. I'm only 5'4 so I am one hundred percent positive I am getting heels. Seriously, people tower over me already. I need some height so I don't have to look up awkwardly to people. x) It's so cliche, but I am dying to be asked to slow dance by a gorgeous guy. Bahaha maybe even 'just friend' guy! Ha. I will be utterly crushed if he goes with another girl, but hmph to that! I know I shouldn't care. I won't be the type of girl to stare daggers at them, or talk bad about them behind their back. That's not who I am. I can't be mean to save my life. I'm not even joking. I can't stand being mean to other people, and I can't handle when others are mean. It's just how I was raised I guess. Although, my two younger sisters and brother sure didn't get that memo...Maybe it's because I am the oldest? I don't know...I think I got off of topic a bit.

Anyways, I hope to dance with him, and I hope he doesn't go with another girl, but if he does there's nothing I can do about it. I'll be seeing him this thursday hopefully at youth group, and I just may hint around that I'm definitely going to prom, and I got my dress the day before...I'll be smooth and slip it in to random conversation. For instance;

"Hey, I like this song."

"Prom." *walks away*

Yeah, okay. I will not be doing that, but he's going to get the hint. My friend Laura, who goes with me, will probably tell him in the most non-discreet way. She's loud and can never keep anything to herself. She's also on his bus. Ha! Just my luck, right? So yeah, he'll know. My friend Rob, says I should go to prom with another guy to show him I am over him, but that would be like lying to me. It's not the truth obviously.

Laura says that we should look extra hot so the guys who have wronged us will be drooling on their tuxes. Baha! I seriously don't think my name and hot go together...ew! Hot is also a word I don't like to use to describe people. Hot is a word that is used when people are talking about a guy or girl's body. I prefer words like beautiful, gorgeous, and lovely. They paint a prettier picture, and it describes more of a person as a whole, their personality included. Anyways, I'm losing myself again. I still have some time to decide what I am going to actually do, but for now I'm saying I am going with friends. Who knows, perhaps God will grant me my desire of him asking me to be his date. My friend Ivy, thinks that he is afraid of commitment and that's why he played the 'just friends' card. Guys are confusing to me. I can't even think straight. I have all if these scenerios and unanswered questions floating around in my head. I'll admit, I do tend to over annalyze things, and it just ends up causing more trouble for me. I have all of these long thought out theories of what could've happened between the point we started talking and the point he gave up. I mean, did he really give up? We hadn't been talking for a long time and it sort of was in the beginning stages, but I think yeah, he did give up in a way. I mean, he gave up on the chance to get to know me better. He gave up some of my trust when he let me fall a little too hard, not even trying to catch me. Again, maybe I am just thinking too much, but I can't help it. That's what I do in situations. God, I sound like such a desperate fool. Everyone knows about what happened between us. His family, my family, the youth group (youth pastor and helpers included!), kids at school...I don't even go there anymore! Hahaha. This is like the part of the dream where I come to school on my underpants, and the whole school points and laughs. It totally feels like that nightmare and frankly, it sucks. I guess all I can do now is keep my head held high and laugh along. What else is there to do? I'm certainly not going to run away crying.

Lying in my bed
I hear the clock tick
And think of you
Caught up in circles
Confusion is nothing new

                                       

                                                                                

C is for Confusion

Have you ever had so many different thoughts processing in your mind that you feel like your brain is going to explode?  That's how I feel at the moment. Everything is all jumbled up there...It's like a puzzle and I only have a certain amount of time to fit the pieces together, but some pieces are missing and some go to a totally different puzzle. God knows I'm trying my hardest, but nothing seems to work. That beautiful boy I have been mentioning, messaged me back saying that he doesn't have a thing with anybody. Oh greeeaaat. I don't know whether I'm falling into a trap here, but I want to believe him. I want to believe that he would tell me the straight up truth...He said before he would never lie to me, and God was he convincing. Darn the effect this guy has on me...I can barely form thoughts without him sneaking inside. Shoo boy, shoo! I know it was a close friend that told me he was seeing this other girl, but she did say that she only had heard it, and to confront him. It most likely is a rumor, but there still is that chance it is fact. Draamaaaa! Here's a small fact about myself, I have been home schooled since my junior year (for health issues), and this would be my senior year. I thought that being out of high school would mean being taken out of drama. Apparently not! Drama is like a contagious disease and if you are a teenager  who hangs with other teens you most likely will catch it.

-Insert heavy sigh here-

The right thing for me to do is just to be friends like he wants. If something more comes of the relationship, then cool. If something doesn't, well that's life for ya. Maybe that's what we both need, a friend to get close to. Anyways we are only seventeen, and love doesn't look upon young people with great favor. It usually likes to start wars and run, a trail of carnage, destruction, and broken hearts left in its path. Plus, we can be dumb and act upon our gut feelings and stupid thoughts that tell us we know everything life's about. Who knows what will happen between us, but God? I know I certainly can't tell the future...Although, that would be pretty nifty. :P

God has a plan for me, and He already knows the life I will lead, same for you as well! I'm just going to try my hardest to be my best and do the right thing. I don't want to get in His way, and screw up what may be coming soon.

P.s. Shout out to my first follower! Woohoo! :D

 

“Sometimes I'm confused by what I think is really obvious. But what I think is really obvious obviously isn't obvious...”

The Little Mermaid and Standing Up

I don't have much to write about today. Nothing new has happened. Although, last night I did write a short message to said kid. I basically just told him I knew, and that I wanted to hear the truth from him. Honestly, I think I was too sweet in the message now that I look back on it. I can't tell you whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. It's possibly good because I am showing him that I can be mature about this kind of stuff, but it also could possibly be bad because it kind of makes it seem like I am an easy person to walk all over. I know for a fact that I am not though. I can stand my ground when it comes time for me to do so. I can yell my lungs out when I need to. I rarely do, but if something really is bothering me, and I am not being listened to, I can yell and get your attention real fast, let me tell you. I am a shy person, but get me upset, and I can knock you down a few notches. My dad calls it the Italian anger in me, but I just call it me being upset...hahaha.

I wore my red wig today, and I honestly felt empowered. It's weird how colors can effect your moods like that. It was a curly wig with sweet ringlets, but I decided to straighten it and woah baby did it take forever...I came out looking like Ariel though, and I thought it was kind of a metaphor for me. Like how Ariel had to learn how to walk on her new found land legs, that's how I feel right now. I'm stumbling on my insecurities, troubles, and boy drama, and I can't seem to gain my balance. I know I have God by my side, catching me when I slip, and teaching me how to walk on my own. I feel like I have to have everyone around me to be able to stand, but I really don't. That is the world's fault, I know. In today's society you grow up learning that being famous is glamerous, and you have to have a beautiful boy on your arm or you yourself aren't beautiful. Sometimes the thought will trickle into my mind that this is all true, but I need to learn how to stop those from getting through to me. I'm sure many girls have this same exact problem as well. Us girls need to stick together and empower eachother with positive things so that we may all be strong and stand tall. We can all walk hand in hand and jump over our stumbling blocks with ease. If only life were like this, would we be happier people.

"Fall seven times and stand up eight.”

Being Blonde and Moving On

I am wearing a blonde wig today! For those of you who are wondering why I'm wearing a wig, it is because I have an obsessive ompulsive disorder called trichotillomania. It is where you pull out your hair from anywhere on your body. For me personally, it is the hair on my head and my eyebrows. It is difficult at times, but I am managing it pretty well i have to say. Anyways, being blonde is quite fun I have to admit. Maybe the people who say blondes have more fun really are telling the truth...Ifelt very energetic today for no apparent reason, and my sources tell me it was all the blonde wig's doing. :P

Anyways, I wanted to just write a little bit about how I am trying to move on from this certain kid. If someone happens to come accross this and it helps them as well, my job here has been done. I know it has really only been one day since I found out what was really going on, but for me it has technically been a week since I had gotten that darn text. Let me tell you, it has been a struggle. I haven't known this kid for a long time, but good God did he have me wrapped around his little finger...I honestly don't fall for every guy I see, or every guy who likes me back, so this is all new to me. I'm not saying that I think I love him, because that would be a total lie. I'm not stupid people, I know what love is and this ain't it. You could probably go so far to say that I fell for him a bit, cracked my head open just slightly, and bruised a knee on the way down...that would be much closer to the truth. Seriously, when a boy tells you over and over how he thinks you are gorgeous, beautiful, and stunning, and then that he gets incredibly nervous when he is around you or talks to you...you kind of get taken with him, do you not? He nicknamed Bella for crying out loud! You can't possibly look me straight in the eyes and tell me that that wouldn't make your heart skip a beat. This whole situation kid is driving me mad. I don't know whether to believe that these things were the truth, still are the truth, or if this is how he is. Maybe he just enjoys sweeping girls away with his charms...lousy, no-good boys! I would'nt dare dream do that to some one else. It's just plain cruel. I feel like a madwomen honestly, and it frightens me a bit. I want to go up and scream at him and kick him in the shins, but I'm afraid once I actually see him in person i'll just end up melting into a big gloppypuddle at his feet. What does that say about me? Better yet, what does that say about the power of crushes in general? Feelings are dumb. No, feelings are dumber than dumb...they're the dumbest! Boys are right along with them! I don't think that guys realize how much power they can hold over a girl, or how much they can simply affect them when they speak these things. It makes one question the world when a guy acts like a total tool. Wouldn't you agree, fine reader(s)? Oh my, I almost forgot that I was trying to help people by saying what has been helping me to move on...Now let's see...Well if you were thinking stalk his facebook page for info, cross that right off your list. I'm not saying that I stalk his page, but that just popped into my head. Hey, I don't know you guys...maybe you do that kind of stuff. Oh one good thing to do is to erase any text messages between you two. I know that I have been caght rereading certain sweet texts, but that is bad people! It only crushes you more, frankly. Trust me on that one. It kills me to read all of the weet things that he said to me, and then to think that he possibly didn't mean a word. In all honesty, that's really all I have got so far. Although, I don't advise moving on to liking another huy right away because tht would be horrible for both you and the new interest. You would most likely just end up breaking that boy's heart.

Well, that's pretty much all I have to say today. I am a little overwhelmed by it all, but I know that it takes time for some things to pass, and I am not the only girl out there who is feeling like this. Maybe not the only girl who has been left crushed by this one guy either...All I have to say to that is boys are dumb.

 

Men are stupid. If you forget, they will remind you. 

Liars, Chewy Bars, and Andy Milonakis

Being lied to really sucks, but then again you already know that. Everyone knows that. Who in this great big world think that being lied to is awesome? No one, that's who. Yeah, I'm rambling, but this is my blog and I can ramble all I want. Ramble, ramble, ramble, ramble. How'd you like that?

Well, if you are still reading this post I thank you. That was me getting some of my frustration out from some information I was told today from a good friend. You see, there is this kid that liked me (and may still like me), and I kind of started liking him back. We texted everyday and talked on the phone for a few weeks, maybe a month. He said the sweetest things and told me at one point that he honestly thought he was falling for me. Then, he told me like a week ago that he thought I was beautiful and really cool, but if anything were to happen between us it wouldn't work out, and he just wanted to be friends. Well, what does he plan on doing, marrying me? And how does he know this for sure? I knew that he was hiding something because it was just so random and out of the blue, but I didn't question him about it. Well anyways, one of my close friends texted me and said she has heard that he and this other girl have something going on. Well then. My gut feeling has been confirmed. Why can't guys be straight up with you and tell you the truth? Do they have some aversion to it? They must. It just sucks. I thought we connected really well, and he seemed genuine when he spoke to me. Who knows, maybe he was telling the truth about his feelings. Ack! He just needs to figure out what the heck he wants. I'm not going to wait for him, and I certainly am not going to let him treat me like something he can just throw away when he loses interest. I may be hard on myself all of the time, but I know for a fact I am better than that. I deserve more. One day he may come to realize this, but by then it may be too late for him. You snooze you lose, buddy. I'm not going to lie, I still have a crush on him. You can't just throw your feelings out the window, but they will fizzle out soon. It's not like he's fanning the flame or anything! I'm new to the dating scene because I have been waiting for the right guy to come for me, and I have been concentrating on school work and God instead of flirting my life away. It may sound silly to you, and sometimes it does to me, but it's just the way I am. I am probably the most innocent girl around in that aspect. Hey, at least I don't throw myself on every guy I see, right?

On a different subject, I am in love with Quaker Chewy Dipps. They're amaze! I'm enjoying one now as I watch The Andy Milonakis Show. I forgot how funny and ridiculous this show was. Whatever happened to Andy Milonakis anyway? He like fell off the side of the earth one day! Does anyone else care about this as much as I do?! Where are you Andy?! I miss you and your crazy antics! It isn't even on tv anymore...I'm watching the second season because my sister got it for me as a gag gift, but the joke is on her because I loved him! Haahaha

Don't give up fellow crushees! What hurts us now only makes us stronger later. Remember this, God loves you and even if you don't capture the attention of that beautiful boy, you yourself are beautiful and He made you that way. The boy who treats you right and sees you for you will come and find you. Just think, he may be on his way now. :) <3

 "Girls are like apples...the best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when, in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree...”